Insomnia.

I've learned this past year. I've changed, I've grown. Maybe things do happen for a reason, maybe they don't. But no matter what, they still happen. That's what we need to remember. I learned to stop analyzing things, to just let them happen. And if I get hurt, or if something bad happens, then it happens. There's nothing I can do to change that. I've learned to go with my gut, and that it's okay to make mistakes because the ones that matter won't care. I've learned that love really is as great as they say it is. I've learned that your friends can save you from your worst enemy: yourself. And most importantly, I've learned that today is all we have.

we had a good run.

Growing apart, what a concept. Knowing when to say goodbye is difficult. This time, I can’t say its that complicated. People change, feelings change. It doesn't mean that feelings once shared weren't true and real. It simply just means that sometimes when people grow, they grow apart.

In our case, one party was brutally honest while the other blamed feelings on the other persons existence. Initially, I felt bad. And then the more time I had to think on it - the more time I had to realize that blaming others for a situation is cowardly; its a way that you can organize the series of events that occurred in your mind and "deal" with them, without really dealing.

Lets face it, what happened could of been much, much worse. I've seen it with your previous serious relationship and I've lived it. Apologies that were due on my end have been delivered and on more than one occasion. And at the time I was the "most honest I had ever been" - was the time I had seen you at your worst. I never really expected you to feel the same, I'm smarter than that. I didn't expect that you'd make different choices or choose a different path than the one you were leading. What I did expect was beyond the brutal honesty we'd still remain friends; and the friendship we had prior to anything said, any girl, or situation would withstand all those things.

Over the past couple of days I've wrestled with that fact, that things changed. As much as I'd like to say it doesn't hurt, I can't - that would be a lie. I thought we were bigger than all those things. I guess I put more trust in that fact than I should have, and more belief in you than you deserved. Naturally, because we are human, with hurt comes hurtful things said, and for that, I am sorry.

I'm not sorry for the decision that I have made to move on. I'm sure you're thinking I mean feelings - no. I am moving on in life and whatever is left of the friendship we have or had is being left behind. This decision isn't based on an intent to hurt you or evoke negative feelings. This decision is simply because in realizing that you stopped caring as a friend, caring enough to just be respectful and decent in conversations although rare, I stopped caring to be the doormat you wipe your feet on randomly whenever you feel like it.

I put a lot into relationships I build with friends. I would do anything for them, much like how I treated you. But there comes a point when you  have to make a decision, in any relationship, on whether those that you pour everything you have into care enough to do the same when you need it most. And with us, its a little one-sided. The day you turned cold, I realized I'm holding onto something that is more hurtful than helpful - and I deserve more than that.

I do hope you find peace. I hope you sort out whatever feelings you have - hate, hurt, anger, sadness, fear, love - and you use them to grow much like I have these past few days. I do hope the best for you and whoever you choose to spend your life with. I'm sorry that it all ended like this, I didn't want it to. I'd rather end it on a better note and remember good memories before any hurtful ones are made.

Good luck in life. You will conquer the world and make your dreams into reality one day, just need to figure out what truly makes you happy and the rest will fall into place.

-eb

enlightened.

forgive them anyway.

And I smile, for different reasons.

We have all had our feelings hurt by someone who we love or by someone who loves us. It is not an emotionally pleasant feeling, but many of us allow those hurt feelings to develop into bitterness and resentment. It is how we react to those hurts that define our character and our ability to love. Bitterness is a feeling of deep and bitter anger and ill-will, to act or do something in a sharp and bitter manner. Bitterness is associated with spite, which is feeling a need to see others suffer, to hurt the feelings of, malevolence by virtue of being malicious or spiteful or nasty. Bitterness disconnects us from love and becomes an encumbrance, bitterness impedes and becomes a barrier to love.

We allow our hurt emotional feelings to overcome us, to get the better of us, and anger sets in from the primary source, which is the hurt. Rather than overlooking the issue or forgiving the hurt, (which is what love would do), we stew over it and allow it to fester in our hearts and minds like lava in a volcano. We allow those hurts to build bitterness within us because of our inability to give allowances of grace to others. We attempt to hold and bind those persons to our pain, (which we feel that they caused, even if it was unintentional), because we lack the grace to overlook an offense. We are now prone to lash out in anger, from our own spite and bitterness, in a manner that is hurtful. We complain about what the other person did and now we are doing the very same thing. "You hurt me and now I am going to hurt you." What part of revenge is associated with love?

Vindictive behavior is when you are showing malicious ill will and a desire to hurt someone; it is motivated by spite, and disposed to seek revenge or intended for revenge. Too many relationships end up in conflict because one person got hurt, stewed up in bitterness, (you know stinkin thinkin), and then lashed out at the one they say they love. Love is not irritable or resentful, it does not rejoice in wrongdoing. Now the person who is acting in this vindictive mannerism is actually a bigger problem than the one who originally caused the feeling of hurt. Why? Because the one who is lashing out from their pain is allowing the hurt to get the best of them, they are allowing it to control them, and they act with full intent to bring harm. This is referred to as malice, which is feeling or having a desire to see others suffer.

We need to consider that there is going to come a time when we are going to hurt someone special in our lives, not because we necessarily intend to, but because we are imperfect. It is going to happen, and when it does it is actually going to be an opportunity for love to overcome an offense by means of grace. Wouldn't you want to have that very same grace available to you when you inadvertently offend or hurt someone's feelings? How can you say you love someone, harbor feelings of bitterness and resentment for them in your heart, and behave in a vindictive mannerism towards them at the same time?

THE MORAL OF THE STORY? Treat others the way you wish to be treated, set an example of loving grace for others to see. Step up to a higher level through love and avoid the relational pits of bitterness. Send resentment, spite, malice, and vindictive behavior packing. Don't accept those things in your hearts, in your relationships, or in your house. 

rising.

As the smoke clears - I awaken,
And untangle you from me.
Would it make you feel better to watch me, while I bleed?
All my windows still are broken, but I'm standing on my feet.

You can take everything I have,
You can break everything I am,
Like I'm made of glass, like I'm made of paper.
Go on and try to tear me down.
I will be rising from the ground,
Like a skyscraper, like a skyscraper.

2 years down, many more to go.

Olivia Grace Hance

Born: April 6, 2009 at 12:31 pm.

8 lbs. 08 oz. and 21 inches long

Happy 2nd Birthday Princess!

Mommy loves you SO much. You keep me laughing and give me the strength to never give up no matter how hard it gets. You are a wonderful little girl with a bright future ahead of you. I couldn't ask for a better daughter. Love you tooter-bug <3